To those of you who know me personally or who are curious about my well being, I’m going to be away for a bit. After years of knowing I struggle with obsessive behaviors, manic depressive actions, extremely bipolar mood swings, and high anxiety I’ve finally decided to get help. The real breaking point was when I ruined my relationship with Cara, the only girl I think I really loved, because I couldn’t fix myself and I expected her to fix me. I hurt her, and said terrible things no one should ever say to anyone, ever, and I don’t even know why I did. In the moment I didn’t even feel like myself. The day after things ended I tried to kill myself for the third time, and when my family and friends tried to stop me I proverbially flipped my shit and ended up breaking half of the things in my house and attempted to physically harm my family and friends. After everything had calmed down I looked back at everything and felt so fucking stupid, and i decided to get help. My cousin, Ricky, and his girlfriend Emily have both had similar struggles in the past year and benefited greatly from a visit to a mental health facility, and after hours of talking with the two of them last night I decided it was time to go myself. I’m on the road to becoming a healthier and happier version of myself so I can love myself and others. I’m sorry to anyone I’ve hurt in the past. You all deserve better from me.
And Cara, if you read this, I love you. And I’m so sorry. Maybe one day I can deserve to be loved by someone like you. I dearly hope so. I wish you the best in everything.
I’m checking on Monday morning, and I don’t know how long I’ll be in there, but I’ll try to update this page in my gradual process in this new chapter of my life. If you’re experiencing similar struggles I encourage you to reach out to someone, anyone. Don’t try to fix yourself, and don’t rely on others to do it for you. Go get help, I promise you once you admit you need it you’ll feel heaps better. Love yourself enough to seek healing so you can love others and love your life. Wish me luck.
Cameron B. Conner
Wait for someone who tells strangers about you.
A bouquet of clumsy words:
You know that place between sleep and awake where you’re still dreaming, but it’s slowly slipping? I wish we could feel like that more often.
I also wish I could click my fingers three times and be transported to anywhere I like.
I wish that people didn’t always say “just wondering” when you both know there was a real reason behind them asking.
And I wish I could get lost in the stars.
Listen, there’s a hell of a universe out there. Let’s go.